• Sebastian Moran: . . . Yeah?
• Langdale Pike: “Wha’ d’ya mean, ‘please’? You senme a texst, jus’ says ‘please’. What you on about, Moran?”
• SM: “Lord. You couldn’t tell by the blatant sarcasm dripping out of your phone that I was getting a tone with you? Metaphorically my ass, you sloshed little shit.”
• LP: “Wha did you mean, not your type?”
• SM: “You have a penis. Unless you’re Jim, you’re automatically put into the ‘not my type’ category.”
• LP: “Horshe shit, mate. Never’eard such a load of bollocks in my life. Jim’s got a cock, ‘asn’t he?”
• SM: “Jim is the most dangerous man in the world, Pike. And you’re a gossip columnist.”
• LP: " 'rrelevant. Completely fuckin’ not the point. You fuck one man, you’d fuck another. Alrigh’, maybe not me, you’ve made that pretty fuckin’ clear, butseriouslythoughhaveyouseenme, but that’s fiiine mate ‘cause I don’t want it anyway. Jus’ give up on this oh I’m straight I’m straight I only like Jim shite ‘cause yer only fooling yourself.”
• SM: “Why are you so determined to have me redefine my sexuality into a paradigm that you can wiggle into?”
• LP: “I don’t even fuckin’ know, I don’t know. Not a fuckin’ clue. Scars. Sure you’re hiding more scars under your sexy fuckin’ suits. Driving me mental that I can’t see them. You’re gorgeous, alright?”
• SM: “. . . . .Well. You’re right about the scars at least.”
• LP: “‘m not even gay. I fuckin’ love girls. This never happens to me. I don’t hardly ever fancy blokes but when I do they always fancy me back and this is so fuckin’ sick. You’re a bloody criminal.”
• SM: “So we’re both not gay. Good. Glad that’s settled. And yeah, I am. I’ve probably even committed a war crime or two, to be honest.”
• LP: “Why d’you keep saying you don’t love him?”
• SM: “Because what would that make me?”
• LP: “I dunno, sane? I can’t get my fuckin’ head around it. You live with him, you devote your life to him, you commit crimes for him, you don’t shag women - bit weird for a straight man, innit, that? Not to shag birds, just a bloke - and you said you lived for him, said you’d fuckin’ die for him, and he wouldn’t do the same for you and he fucks other people and he calls you his fuckin’ pet and Jesus Christ, man, what the hell’s th’matter with you? Why would put up with that shit if you weren’t absolutely head-over-heels in love? How can you justify it any other way?”
• SM: ". . . . Unwavering dedication to the job.”
• LP : - Laughter- “That’s brilliant. You’re a fuckin’ comedian as well, you are. Well-done. Dedication to the job. Do they give out awards, in your very specific line of work? Because if they do, ohoho - I’d be already writing my speech, baby. You’ve got it in the bag, mate. Your name’s already on the trophy.”
• SM: “What does your will say happens to you if you get put in a coma Pike? Or if you’re concussed so many times you’re forced into a vegetative state. “
• LP: -Laughter- “I don’t fuckin’ know, do I? They can pull the plug, I s’pose, and you can bring Jimmy his breakfast in bed and he can sit back with the Sunday papers and have a good old read. He might even think it’s funny. But I promise you won’t.”
• SM: “You’re a fucking prick.”
• LP: “What can I say? You bring it out in me. Come on, ‘s all I’ve got. You know it’s all I’ve got.” He wasn’t laughing any more. ”I just - I’m pissed as fuck, and I’m an idiot, and I can’t understand why I like you so much - you’re infuriating - and Christ, I can’t believe I’ve called you like this and made such an arse of myself.”
• SM: “If being a complete ass is your only redeeming quality I suppose you have to flaunt it.”. . . “What do you want from me Pike?”
• LP: "I dunno. Can you turn back time?"
• SM: “If only.” -Static “You’re going to regret this so much in the morning, I hope you know that.”
• LP: “Please dear God, don’t let me remember it. Do you hate me?”
• SM: “You probably won’t remember...No. But I think you’re damn lucky you didn’t call when Jim was home.”
• LP: “Yeah? Where’s Jim, then?”
• SM: “Scotland.”
• LP: “Miss him?”
• SM: “Nope.”
• LP: "Good"
• SM: "What do you mean, good?"
• LP: “Dunno. I’m talking rubbish. Had you not noticed?”
• SM: “I thought your capacities had returned to you for a second.”
• LP: “Maybe. I think I’m falling asleep.”
• SM: “Go to sleep you stupid sod.”
• LP: "Sebastian."
• SM: "Yeah"
• LP: “There’s no reason for us ever to talk to each other again, really, is there. I’ll probably never see you again.”
• SM: “That’s the way it usually is, yeah, but for some reason I feel like you’re going to be a near constant thorn in my side.”
• LP: “That’s the way it usually is . . . Gonna fall asleep now. Morning’ll be hell.”
• SM: “Go to sleep Pike”
• LP: “I intend to. ‘Night, Moran.”
• SM: “Yeah.”
•  Call terminated. . .

langdalepike:

in the end i’ll still be a man with a gun and impeccable aim. 

you may refuse to be bullied, but there are others who won’t be so bold. 

You could never silence them all. Lucky for you, I’m a kind and benevolent man and this is all hypothetical. Still. There’s a reason you want me on your side.

you’ll just make them want me more. i’ll get job offers and you’ll get a gravestone.

benevolent? more like belligerent.

and let me tell you something, sweetheart.

getting you drunk is all i need to do to put you on whatever side i want.  

langdalepike: 

I’m not pushing you, but push me first and I’ll push back. You’re having a laugh, mate, if you think all your rough and tough business associates are going to take you seriously when everyone around the whole world knows all the sordid little intimate details of your fucked up life with Jim. And it won’t just be the things that I could write. As soon as the story goes live, everyone will want a piece of it. They’ll make things up, things that aren’t even true. Not a threat, just a warning. There’s no limit to what they’ll say. You won’t want to show your face after those parasites are done with you. They’ll bleed you dry. 

in the end i’ll still be a man with a gun and impeccable aim. 

you may refuse to be bullied, but there are others who won’t be so bold. 

langdalepike:

Get stuffed. I don’t beg. I was pissed. I don’t doubt I said some things which would cause me mild embarrassment. Big fucking deal. You’ve got nothing on me. Nothing I could have possibly said to you on the phone would compare to the dirt I’ve got on you, pookie. Not even close. Keep your transcript, I don’t even want to know.

that dirt you have is my life, but not my livlihood. 

remember that men who associate with me end up dead, or worse, disgraced. i could end you, but all you would do for me is increase the scope of my reputation as the best man for the job. 

don’t push me. 

langdalepike:

Of all the situations in which I would’ve liked you to tell me to “say please”, Moran, this is not the most ideal for me.

and you are gorgeous.

say you want me to give you the transcripts, please, sir.

langdalepike replied to your post: langdalepike replied to your post: What was the…

No.

are you sure you won’t?

you called me gorgeous at least two more times.

langdalepike replied to your post: What was the point of sending me that?

Send me the phone call.

Send it. Wait, don’t. I don’t want to hear it. Okay, I have to hear it.

langdalepike replied to your post: langdalepike replied to your chat: Encoded…

Wait. What? You didn’t.

i have an app for that.